Iris M. Mora graduated from the National University of Ireland, Galway with an MA in writing. Her most recent work can be found in Into The Void and Dodging the Rain.
AI Guide to Your Human
(A) One Human in Membrane Cylinder (break respirator seal to open)
(B) 1-Year Supply of Food Tablets
(C) Remote Control
1. After removing your Human from the membrane cylinder, at first, it won’t be able to see you. Your Human has been kept inside the saline solution for a month, connected to the respirator to keep it sterile.
2. When your Human’s sight returns, it will start to scream. This is normal and will pass after a few weeks.
3. Inside the box, you will find a year’s supply of food. One tablet per day; just add liquid.
Don’t overfeed. Humans become aggressive if they have been accustomed to something you later take away.
4. At least once a week, you might have to take your Human outside. If there’s no sunlight, you’ll have to heat them in the HERB (Human Electromagnetic Radiation Box) we installed in your home. Make sure it’s set to 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit for one hour.
Placing them for longer periods under the artificial light might kill them.
Cleansing is important to extend the life of your Human. Please rinse after light exposure.
5. We have included a restraining remote. The green setting, allows your Human to roam freely within your property.
Please note: Humans cannot go beyond your property line.
There are strict guidelines and one of them is to insert a computer chip within their brains that will detonate if they go beyond these lines. We have placed warning labels on their clothes to remind them. The yellow setting gives them a warning shock. It’s okay if you see fluid excreting from their cavities. That will pass as soon as the shock subsides. The red setting is one most use for entertainment. It will make your Human dance.
6. Sometimes the Human might become sick with a condition called crying. It can go for days, weeks, months, and will take away your Human’s ability to perform its duties. We consider this a malfunction. Please send the Human back to us for disposal. We replace overnight with free shipping.
7. Human reproduction habits are against the law. We have taken precautions to ensure that all Humans are incapable of reproducing after packaging. Occasionally, a Human escapes and ends up packaged with functional reproductive organs. Give us a call and we will send a cleaver/spatula toolkit right away.
8. After your Human’s age reaches thirty, they won’t be able to function properly. Their bodies will start to break down. This is normal.
Be aware: Per statute H2019 any Humans kept beyond restricted age will result in a fine.
We have taken precautions to ensure that they don’t function beyond the restriction. If they do, you must take the Human to the nearest incinerating center to avoid penalty.
9. Disposal of Human waste: As determined by statute H2495, waste can be disposed along with other matter. The incinerator robots will pick up as scheduled.
Please Note: Human bodies may not be discarded prior to notifying authorities. For a tax benefit, please report deaths within 30 days.
10. Should you decide that you no longer want to keep the Human, please give us a call. We recycle.
GOVERNMENT SALE: For a limited time, we are discounting for additional Humans with free overnight shipping. Please call to place your order. Hurry, this offer expires at the end of euthanizing season.